How to Build a Wonderful Relationships With Your Kids

baby6 300x225 How to Build a Wonderful Relationships With Your KidsWe all want to raise happy healthy kids. I know that was my goal when my children were small and I am proud to say, “All three of them are happy responsible adults.”

Raising another human being from infancy is one of the hardest jobs anyone can have, but most rewarding.

It all starts with giving them lots of love, good guide lines and high self-esteem, but still humble.

For kids to grow up and develop healthy relationships they need to start with good self-esteem.  This   post is from my book “Take Command of Your Self-Esteem”

The reason that I am referring to this part of the book is, because I am working on a new site that is about raising happy kids.  The URL is “How Not to Raise a Serial Killer”.

No worries here, I am going to put the two sites together after I launch the new one.  After all what life comes down to are our relationships with others.  Whether it is family or friends we all need each other.

Sit back and enjoy this part of the book.  You can find it on Amazon by clicking the link, “Take Command of your Self-Esteem.”

“The first duty of LOVE is to listen.”  By Paul Tillich

 

Kids and Self-Esteem    love this good1 How to Build a Wonderful Relationships With Your Kids

None of us were born with low self-worth or low self-esteem.  It developed through the years by what we were told and how we were made to feel by the people in our lives.  Whether you have children or not, you can make a difference in a child’s view of how they see themselves and stop the cycle of low self-esteem problems, which is certainly going to help make a happy adult.

Obviously first step toward fostering a good self-image in children is to provide them with unconditional love and caring.  Don’t criticize or berate them.  Always focus on the positives and provide encouragement in everything they do.

More specifically, however, there are many, many other things you can do.  First, you should model good self-esteem.  Express through your actions and words that you respect yourself. Children are wonderful at imitating what they see and hear. Be a good role model.  If you have happy parents it will clearly show to a child.

“The confidence which we have in ourselves gives birth too much of that which we have in others.”  By Francois De La Rochefoucauld

    Create positive routines.  Young children need routines to help them to feel secure and competent. Try to set a good schedule for bedtime, rest/naps, meals, etc. Try to keep exceptions to the routine to a minimum and explain any necessary changes if/when they occur.  This is slowly going to start them on their way to felling happy, loved and safe.

Allow many opportunities for children to contribute to the family.  Give the child a job/chore that only he/she does for the family. Even a small job can have a positive lasting impact on a child’s self esteem.  Always let the child know how happy you are with the job well done.

Talk about the world in positive terms.  Even though there is negativity in the world, don’t dwell on it with a child. Be sure to point out the many positive things in the world to children.

kite2 How to Build a Wonderful Relationships With Your KidsGive them the gift of your time.  Remember quality is more important than quantity. Even if you spend just 30 minutes with a child one on one — playing games, taking walks, having long bedtime chats, or just snuggling in front of the TV, spending time with a child shows them that you value their company and this is extremely important for their happiness.

“Even though your kids will consistently do the exact of what you’re telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much by Bill Cosby

Give them choices.  By giving a child choices between a reasonable set of options that are already predetermined, you will make them feel empowered.  But be cautious here.  It definitely is clear that at times you cannot give them a choice.  You don’t want to endanger them in any way, but point out the dangers. Too much control sends the message that your children can’t adequately handle their lives. Too little control sends the message you don’t care, so you must strike a balance between these two extremes and give them more freedom as they grow older.

Acknowledge and listen to their thoughts and emotions since they are so much a part of who they are. Listening with empathy says you care about what they think and feel. Plus it will create an atmosphere in which they will be more willing to listen to you.  Show them the positive side of their choices and the negative side if there is one.  In this way there confidence will grow in the ability to make right choices.

 
You don’t always have to agree with your kids when you listen to them, nor let them do whatever they want. You can have a different view on a situation and still understand their perspective. And you may still have to discipline them even if you better understand why they misbehaved.  It is especially important to always explain why they are being disciplined. 

You should structure situations so your children experience more success than failure. Don’t expect standards of performance which they cannot achieve. You want them to grow up with far more praise than criticism, more accomplishments than failures.  It is extremely important to teach them that a failure is just a learning experience to help them grow into a happy adult.

“A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.”  By David Brinkley

 Let your children know they are lovable and capable. I can How to Build a Wonderful Relationships With Your KidsAgain, this is a self-evident principle. You should give your children daily expressions of affection – hugs, kisses, words of love, praise and appreciation. Think of them as cups of love which you want to fill with as much caring as you can.  When we know that we are lovable happiness comes into play.

Provide security for them.  Children need to feel secure. Few feel secure when there are conflicts occurring around them. Few can relax inwardly when others around them are shouting, accusing, criticizing and hating each other. To a small child, tension between parents, or between parents and the child or other children, constitute a deep chasm of insecurity.  Plus, they may end up blaming themselves for the conflicts around them. 

Avoid arguing around them as much as possible.  If they do see conflict, make sure they also see resolution of the conflict.  Not everything in life is peaches and cream and problems do arise.  People will argue – it’s a fact of life.  The important part here is that the child sees a peaceful resolution in the end.  This will teach them problem solving skills and help them realize that even though there is conflict in the world, there is also a way to resolve it in ways that everyone benefits from.

Our children need to know that we accept and love them regardless of what they may do, but also that certain forms of behavior are not acceptable to us. Let them know that you love them, but it is the obviously the behavior that isn’t acceptable. 

We must be very clear about why we are rejecting a certain behavior. Our rejection can come out of a place of real love and concern for the child, if, in fact, we are not simply protecting our own interests. As long as a certain behavior does no real harm to anyone, it is best to allow the child to pursue it. Something within them, some need is guiding them to explore that kind of activity. They have something to learn through doing that.  Learning and obviously making their own decisions sometimes helps them be happy, even if it is not the right choice.  This gives them a chance to learn by mistakes.

This does not mean that there are not moments where control or even natural or logical consequences may be necessary. But we need to be sure that the reasons are valid and have to do with real issues of safety or morality and not because we are disappointed with their grades or selection of hobbies, interests or friends.

««««««««««

I’m not old enough to play baseball or football.  I’m not eight yet.  My mom told me when you start baseball, you aren’t going to be able to run that fast because you had an operation.  I told mom I wouldn’t need to run that fast.  When I play baseball, I’ll just hit them out of the park.  Then I’ll be able to walk.”  By Edward J. McGrath

««««««««««

 

love yourself2 How to Build a Wonderful Relationships With Your KidsIn order to love our children unconditionally, we will need to start loving ourselves unconditionally. We will have to let go of all the prerequisites we have put on our own self-love. We will need to love ourselves even though we are not perfect, even though we make mistakes, even when others do not love and accept us. The more we free our self-love from the various prerequisites, the more our love for our children and others will become unconditional.  In return you are going to find greater happiness for yourself.

Finally, we must provide positive reinforcement for our children.  Everyone likes a pat on the back, recognition, strokes, praise or affirmation of his or her ability, goodness and worthiness. Our children have not yet formed images of who they are and need these positive inputs even more than adults. Children are not sure if they are able or not. They are small in such a large world. They are learning and thus making many mistakes as they try to learn how to do things correctly.

In our attempt to help our children we often tend to point out their mistakes more frequently than their successes. The mistakes are what are more obvious and thus we feel the need to point them out. The successes are taken for granted. We over-emphasize what our children do wrong. This undermines their sense of ability, and they start to doubt whether they can really succeed.

Thus they become preoccupied, worrying about whether they will be able to do it, and whether they will be criticized. Thus little energy is left for focusing on what they are actually doing so that they can do it correctly and succeed.  Then, if our children’s performance suffers, we become even more critical.  This creates a vicious circle in which our children’s sense of ability, success and worthiness is completely undermined.

So, the easy thing to say is just “Don’t do this”.  If you find yourself overly criticizing a child or yelling berating comments at them, take a moment, count to 10 and think of a healthier way to address the situation.  They will be better for it – and so will you!

What about that huge area that is especially difficult to deal with?  It’s bound to happen, but don’t let it swallow you!  Criticism can be given and accepted graciously without affecting your self-esteem. This can be shown to them when you have made a mistake and you let them know that you were wrong.  Sandwich it in with lots of LOVE!

Hope you enjoyed that part of my book and look forward to seeing you on the other blog, “How Not to Raise a Serial Killer.”  It is going to be full of loving ideas when those trouble water hit and even the day to day stuff that leaves you totally drained by the end of the day.

I have walked in your shoes and I am still alive, so No Worries you will survive parenthood even on those days where you ask yourself, “Why did I do this to myself.” (Having those little buggers)

I would really appreciate it if you would click on the link “How Not to Raise a Serial Killer” and share it with your friends. Don’t forget to opt-in, so you’ll be the first to know when it is launched.

Don’t just sit there, start the clicking and sharing, before you miss all the fun.  (It is going to be like taking a Calgon bath)

Drop me a comment below and tell me what you think and anything you may be having trouble with when it comes to those wee ones or even big kids.  (Yes, I will help with those troubled teens too!)

Thank you again for helping spread the word about my new site. I do appreciate your time!

 

 

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Comments

  1. Harleena Singh
    Twitter:
    says:

    Wonderful post Debbie!

    I love the topic about children, because there is so much to share about them – especially if you are a parent yourself.

    Speaking of myself, I’ve raised two beautiful girls well enough and they are now in their teens – so I won’t say my role is over! I think parenting never really ends – isn’t it Even when your kids become parents, the love, feelings, and concern you have for them always remains.

    This is a wonderful portion from your book about kids and self-esteem, which is so important for kids to grow into healthy and well-balanced adults. I guess it’s always the parents role where building their confidence is concerned, for which parents have to go down to their level and understand them and their needs. Often times we see kids who lack the self-confidence just because they are criticized, scolded, or ridiculed at home. That’s the time they need their parents care, attention and support the most.

    Parents need to make their kids feel secure and uplift them to think that they can do things on their own by giving them choices and letting them do the choosing instead. This is something my Dad taught me when I was very young, which is what makes me so confident about things as such.

    Nice to know more about your new site, and I look forward to reading your posts there as well. I’m sure it’s going to be good as this one. :)

    Thanks for sharing and wishing you all the best. :)
    Harleena Singh recently posted..Are You Good at Making FriendsMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Harleena,

      You are right in that the parenting never ends. As adults we still have to be there for our children. Whether it is helping with grand children or listening when they want advise.

      You were very fortune that you had a Father that taught you that you had choices. My parents where loving, but they thought they were teaching me right when they would always let me know that I wasn’t doing something right. I did have to overcome the idea that I can do things right.

      The most important part I believe in raising children is to show them love, let them make choices with your guiding them, and have patience as they learn.
      They are like little sponges and it wonderful to watch them absorb there world.

      As parents to show them the positive side of life and teach them the “I Can” instead of I Can’t”
      Thank you for sharing a little part of your life and your wisdom.
      Blessings,
      Debbie

  2. Carolyn Hughes
    Twitter:
    says:

    Our children are so precious and it makes sense to take time to guide them and give them the best chance they deserve. Two points you raised stood out for me – unconditional love to encourage self-esteem and setting boundaries by giving them choices.
    Some wonderful advice here Debbie!

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Carolyn,

      Thanks Carolyn. That unconditional love is so important to encourage their self-esteem. We all need those boundaries even as adults. When we start teaching and letting kids make choices they are more apt to make better choices when they become adults.
      Thanks again for the kind words and hope to see you at my upcoming blog.
      Blessing to you,
      debbie

  3. Corinne Edwards
    Twitter:
    says:

    Der Debbie -

    As usual, you got it all right.

    Most of us did not do it all right.

    But the nicest part of your grown up kids is they do not remember any of your mistakes.

    Great luck with your book and your new site.

    You are doing everthing at once.

    Good for you.
    Corinne Edwards recently posted..SO NOW YOU HAVE A DATE – And then what? – follow up by Sherri JoubessMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Corinne,

      Thank you Corinne. As for the parenting, we do learn as we go. I don’t know of any parent that get’s it all right, but as you say it is OK because as adults they don’t remember all our mistakes. Life is about learning as we travel the journey. LOL

      Thanks and yes, sometimes I do try to do everythings at once. Don’t know that that is a good thing.
      Blessings to you,
      debbie

      • Corinne Edwards
        Twitter:
        says:

        Dear Debbie -

        Raising three good kids is great training for doing everything at once.

        I have no doublt you can do it.

        • Debbie Bills says:

          Hi Corinne,

          Thank you for positive words. I figure it is time to share the good, bad and ugly! :)
          This is giong to be fun I believe.
          thanks again Corinne and it is nice to know you are a phone call away.
          debbie

  4. Hi Debbie,
    Wonderful stuff. Your children have to carry the torch so to speak. Look after them & show them that they have many opportunities…go grab them. Thankyou
    be good to yourself
    David

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi David,

      Thank you for sharing these thought. You are right children to carry the torch after we are gone. By teaching them correctly that torch will always shine bright.
      Thanks again and blessings to you,
      debbie

  5. Andrew
    Twitter:
    says:

    Debbie,

    I simply cannot wait for your new adventure to start…make sure you let me know!

    Andrew
    Andrew recently posted..The End Of The Backlink – Long Live Backlinks!My Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Andrew,

      Yes, i will let you know when the new adventure starts. You can also opt-in and you will be sure to be one of the first to know. Looking forward to sharing my knowledge and experience with you. It is going to be a fun and exciting journey!
      debbie

  6. Nathalie Villeneuve says:

    Hello Debbie, I am new to your blog and I really enjoyed the topic about building a strong and close relationship with our kids. My husband and I have a really close relationship with Meghann (13) and Gabriel (16).
    This Summer we visited colleges for my son and I was in deep thoughts about how it will go next year. I even posted this question on facebook about how moms dealt with the transition and so many cried for weeks! In your post you mentioned criticizing our children more then recognizing their successes.

    I think that one of the reason women cry so much when their kids go to college is that they feel guilty about that. They wish they could somehow do it differently and praise their kids a lot more. Oh well! There is always the phone…it’s a great alternative to giving our children plenty of long distance “praise sessions”… ;)
    Nathalie Villeneuve recently posted..A Beautiful Fusion Between WomenThatConnect & MakeGirlfriendsMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Nathalie,

      Sorry i am slow answering your comment. My PC had a hick-up and throw it into my spam file. When it comes to raising our children there is no perfect parent and we do have to learn to forgive ourselves for what we think we did wrong. To me if you love them a lot, teach them right from wrong and give them good moral value and don’t have bail them out of jail you have done a great job.

      It is hard when they use there wings and fly own there own. We have to look on the positive side when it comes to this. Be thankful we have raise a good citzen, let them go into the world and be there if they every need advice or just a soft place to land.

      So the nest does not see so empty, get involved in something that you have always wanted to do, but never had the time.

      This is when it is nice when we have a great relationship with our spouse. After they leave it is fun to renew our love and enjoy ourselves. That is way when the kids are still home we should always make time for each other with a date night. Keep the fire burning so when the kids leave there is still a flame to throw more wood on.

      You are right you can always praise your kids from a distance with the phone etc. Thank you for sharing and glad to have you visit my blog.
      Debbie

  7. Gratitude being the greatest of virtues, I found it’s also a great parenting tools. Looking back on my own parenting experience – my kids are grownups now – my parenting sucked in more ways than one, too, but gratitude always saved the day. If you remain grateful for your kid(s) – grateful to all and everyone involved – the rest tends to fall into place ‘naturally’. But yes, kids come in all shapes and sizes – (good) parenting isn’t easy.
    ~Beat
    Beat Schindler recently posted..The Paradox Of ComplimentsMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Beat,

      Gratitude is one of the most important things we can do. Good things happen when we become grateful for what we have in our lives. I have to be honest there where days raise my girls that I ask myself, “What hell where you thinking Debbie.” than there were those good days. Have to love those day.

      parenting is one of the hardest job we will ever have, but the most rewarding. As for you sucking at parenting, don’t be so hard on yourself, none of us are perfect!
      i always figure that if they aren’t on drugs and not in jail you did a pretty good job.
      if they say you screwed them up, you still did a good job, because otherwise they wouldn’t be smarty enough to realize this. LOL
      Thank you for stopping by and stay happy!
      debbie

  8. Joel
    Twitter:
    says:

    Very interesting Debbie, you’re a great writer. Looking forward to hearing more, I could certainly do with the advice!
    Joel recently posted..Showcase Your ReputationMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Joel,

      Thank you Joel for the wonderful words. Don’t go back and look at my first post, they almost scare me. Practice does make it better. I am still working on the perfect :)

      We can all use all the help we can get when it comes to those little ones. Think to remember is they are real sweet when they are sleep and when they are awake, laugh at those little things they do and say, but make your skin very tough to protect you for those teen years

      The first time they look at you and are unset with you and say ‘I hate you’ Look them straight in the eyes and reply, ‘Cool I am doing my job right, because you are suppose to hate me.” They find out real quick that doesn’t work and make you feel bad.
      The key is to stay one step ahead of them and grow eyes in the back of your head (at least make them thing you have eye’s in the back of your head).

      Thanks for sharing, it is always appreciated,
      debbie

      • Joel
        Twitter:
        says:

        I look forward to that, thanks!
        Joel recently posted..Showcase Your ReputationMy Profile

        • Debbie Bills says:

          Your welcome Just always always keep a sense of humor and your have a great time and they will too!
          debbie

  9. Your words of wisdom are so appropriate for raising children.

    It really comes down to giving them guidance in a firm and loving manner, having fun with them so they know you value them, and being the model that you would like them to grow to be.

    We don’t get it right every day, but if your children know you love and value them; they will forgive you.

    My only regret is not starting sooner so that I could have had more!

    Anne

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Anne,

      Thanks for sharing and yes, guiding in a firm and loving manner is very important. I beleive we all have some kind of regret, but we do the best we can. Now you get to have the fun with those grand babies when they come.
      Thanks again Anne and have a wonderful week
      debbie

  10. Raymond Chua
    Twitter:
    says:

    “Even if you spend just 30 minutes with a child one on one — playing games, taking walks, having long bedtime chats, or just snuggling in front of the TV”

    Great point Debbie. I learned that during my dog training session where the instructor said that spending even 10 minutes with your dog everyday can drastically improve the relationship. Right there and then, I believe the same goes to human being.

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Raymond,

      I’m with you, the more time we can spend with our kids the better relationship we are going to have with them. If it work for a dog and can sure work for us humans. Thanks for sharing this, I did find it very interesting and true. Glad you brought it up.

      Thanks many bunches and you have a great week!
      debbie

  11. Bruce says:

    I like the point about being clear you are rejecting unacceptable behavior and not them. They need to know your love of them is solid but that you need them to understand that is is their behavior and not them you want to change.
    This was good, solid advice. Probably hard won advice too. Thanks
    Bruce recently posted..Are You a Strong Candidate for PA schoolMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Bruce,

      Thank you for the kind words and you are right in letting kids know that you have unconditional love for them, but at times their behavior is not acceptable.
      Thank you for adding to the post.
      Blessings always,
      debbie

  12. Hiten
    Twitter:
    says:

    Hi Debbie,

    This is one your best posts I’ve ever read! You included such brilliant information on how to bring up healthy and confident children.

    I could really resonate with the point you made about ensuring that parents are loving themselves unconditionally, in order to then transfer this love to their kids. Although I don’t have kids yet, I can so believe the truth in this.

    Debbie, I’m very excited about your new site. I’m so thrilled about the prospect of learning good parenting before I’ve had kids as this will help ensure I’m fully prepared for when I do!

    God bless.
    Hiten recently posted..Job Interview ConfidenceMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Hiten,

      Thank you for all the kind words. I do appreciate them many bunches.

      As a parents when we are loving it is going to resonate while raising our children. The most important key to raising chldren is to show them that unconditional love. As humans when we know that we are loved we do much better in life. It is like knowing someone always has your back and you have a soft place to land when need.

      I to am excited about the new site. Hope it will be of help to your for the future when you have your own kids. I have no doubt that when the time comes you are going to be a great parent.
      Thanks for sharing and God’s blessings to you,
      Debbie

      • Hiten
        Twitter:
        says:

        Hi Debbie,

        Thank you so much for the comment you made about me being a great parent, when I do have kids. I really appreciate that and it is very kind of you.

        • Debbie Bills says:

          Hey Hiten after reading your writtings and the wisdom you have, your going to be just fine as a parent. your kids will be blessed.
          Thank you and you are welcome!
          debbie

  13. rob white says:

    This quite a wealth of information, Debbie! It is said that children are exposed to 60,000 NO’s between the ages of two and six. Some are essential for basic safety – “NO, don’t touch the plug!” “NO, NO, don’t play with the scissors!” – but even helpful NO’s can cause a person to lose a sense of curiosity and ambition.

    It is a challenge, but it is vital that we point out success more frequently than the mistakes. Childhood NO’s become adult fears of criticism for making mistakes; they are the cause of adults feeling helpless when faced with a challenge. There are few persons for whom NO means nothing.

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi rob,

      You are right about the NO’s Rob. I have found since you have brought this no thing to my attention I watch very careful how I use the no’s. For myself I know that i hear my share of them and i have had to over come this. thank you again for bring the NO’S to my attention and my readers attention. It is a word that we have to be very careful with.
      Blessings,
      debbie

  14. Felicia says:

    Hi Debbie,
    You sure have a lot lately on your hands – good luck and wish you all the best on your new site.

    It’s been a while since I last visited, and your post may be long but sure is worth reading! I’ll just leave a small comment about what you said here on the first part of your post:

    “None of us were born with low self-worth or low self-esteem. It developed through the years by what we were told and how we were made to feel by the people in our lives.”

    I know a couple who has two children. As for my point of view on the children, one is happy and believes in his capabilities, while the other has a rather low self-esteem. I found out that it is because the parents typically scold and criticize both of them in every way they can; however, only the other child was affected and he really saw himself with little to no worth at all (which is very sad!). The other took it well and turned it to his advantage – he said because his parents scolded and criticized him that he wanted to prove they were wrong and that he can do things and make them happen the way he planned it.
    Felicia recently posted..Limited Time Offer: Exclusive Tourney Ticket from Titan PokerMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Felicia,

      Nice to see you again. Thank you for sharing this with me. Yes, this situation can happen, because kids are different and will take things in different ways. I am glad that the one boy has the positive attitude about what his parents are doing and is determine to prove them wrong. Hopefully through the years he can teach his sibling to have the same attitude.

      The sad part in this story is that the parents someday are going to regret there behavior, because they do take the chance of losing both boys. you can forgive your parents for what you feel they may have done to you, but that does not mean that you have to spend time with them as an adult and subject yourself to more abuse.
      Thanks again for stopping by and adding to the post.
      Blessings,
      debbie

      • Felicia says:

        Hi Debbie,
        With the “sad part” you said, I never realized that, and I believe you’re right – the parents someday will surely be regretting what they did to their two sons. I believe that the son who has the positive attitude spends more time with his wife’s family rather than going home to his own parents when there are holidays or occasions.
        If I may ask, is this kind of situation similar to child abuse? I mean does child abuse always have to be only on the physical aspect? I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks!
        Felicia recently posted..EPT Barcelona High RollerMy Profile

        • Debbie Bills says:

          Hi Felcia,

          Child abuse does not always mean physical abuse. When a person or parent is always putting down a child, making them feel small this is verbal abuse. Many children are abused with words. My ex was very verbally abuse to me and than started to be that way with his children. This was the main reason that i divorced him. I wanted to raise them with good self esteem and was not willing to sit there and watch or listen to someone try to destroy that for them.

          As for a son going home to his wifes family rather than his own family, the wife can make a big difference in this matter. I have girls that are grown and I would let them know real quick if they did not want to spend time with there husband family. When we have birthday parties for little ones they are taught to share them with both sets of grand parents.

          if the wife is very dominate in the relationship this is when the husband parents can get left out of the picture.

          Hope I have answered your questions. if not just let me know and i can go into more detail.
          Blessings to you,
          debbie

          • Felicia says:

            Hi Debbie,

            Thanks for the reply! When the word “child abuse” pops out, I usually think that the child is physically abused (punished by beating or injuring). For me, verbal abuse is much more like a psychology thing, but yeah I agree that it can also be considered as child abuse. I’m sorry that you had to divorce your ex, but I guess it was the right decision for you (as you can’t stand the way how he lowers the self-esteem of your own children).

            I am good friends with both sons I’m talking about, and the son (who prefers to go home to his wife’s family rather than his own family) says that his wife’s family treats them the way a good and ideal family should, and he and his children feel welcome there. As for his own family, they feel like they are unwelcome and just a bother when they visit.

            Thank you very much for taking the time to answer my questions. As always, love visiting your blog Debbie! :)
            Felicia recently posted..Macau High Stakes Challenge Begins Today ($250,000 buy-in)My Profile

          • Debbie Bills says:

            You are welcome. I can understand why this friend of yours would rather go over to his wifes family if they feel welcome there.
            As for my ex and me, I look at it this way. The marriage was not a mistake, because I wouldn’t have my 3 beautiful daughter if it weren’t for the marriage. I did learn a lot going through it and also being a single mother.

            When we have bad things happen (like a divorce) if we learn from it and are a better person for it, it is not a mistake. Life is a journey and if we take the positive road in all situations, instead of the negative road, we are on the right road.

            Thank for sharing more with me.
            Blessings to you,
            debbie

  15. Dia says:

    Hi Debbie,

    Well said my friend, we have to nurture our children and enforce the good rather than the bad. Children often grow up forgetting that they are spiritual beings that are on this earth to accomplish greatness. Once we stay reinforcing the fact that they are unique, they will grow in a healthy way. Thank you for sharing my friend

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Dia,

      I like how you say this, “Children often grow up forgetting that they are spiritual beings that are on this earth to accomplish greatness.” Our children are the future and they can accomplish great things when we give the tools they need and nurture there little mind in the right directions.
      Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
      By the way i alway feel special when you sign off “My friend” thank you and blessings to you,
      debbie

  16. david says:

    though i havent have kids yet, but many knowledge shared in your blog post can be applied to dealing with others young ones. It is beneficial for me as well, as I am an educator, and have to deal with students a lot.
    david recently posted..How to choose a perfume for your girlfriendMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi David,

      Glad i can help with your students. Kids are all the same when it comes from learning. Sometimes the educator ends up being more important in a childs life that there parents. Keep up the important work and thank you for sharing.
      Blessings sent your way,
      debbie

  17. Cathy
    Twitter:
    says:

    Hi Debbie,

    Love this post. You have wonderful information to share about raising children. I love your tips and for any parent still in the throws of raising kids, I’m sure will find your new website to be an invaluable resource. I love the name, “How Not to Raise a Serial Killer”! That will turn some heads. Sounds like a great new endeavor and I look forward to seeing the new site.
    Cathy recently posted..9 Parents Who Are Making a DifferenceMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Cathy,

      Nice to see you. I am having fun getting the new site up and running. Think it is going to be lots of fun and when it comes to raising kids, been there done that and they are great kids, so I feel it is time to share my wisdom and knowledge I have been blessed with. And of course the humor that i really appreciate having. it is something that is very much needed when it comes to those little ones and big ones.
      Thanks again and I shall give it my best to make the new site invaluable resoure for mothers and fathers.
      Blessing to you,
      debbie

  18. Anthony says:

    Hi Debbie

    I guess that it is all about giving them some kind of role model isn’t it? What you say about self esteem is so true, your vision of yourself is what your self esteem is, if you hold good pictures of yourself in your head and if you reinforce those picture messages with positive self talk, the your self esteem will grow and you will pass this on.

    Morris Massey says that the “imprint period” – where children receive their imprint which forms their values and beliefs is from age 0-7 and the their “modelling period” when they model others and gain hero etc is from age 7-14, so in that case our own behaviour is of utmost importance on their upbringing during these periods.

    Positive messages and a great article. Thank you.
    Anthony
    Anthony recently posted..Starting a coaching practice – Choosing a legal structureMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Anthony,

      You are correct and so is Morris Massey. Those first 0 to 5 or 7 years are very important. once you give them that strong foundation in the early years, they are going to navigate there lives much better. Self-esteem is one of the very important things a parent can ever give to their children. Without it they are going to be making many wrong choices, because they have self doubt.

      Thank you for sharing and adding to this post.
      debbie

      • Johanna says:

        Hi Anthony and Debbie,
        What you said Anthony is so true. I would have to say that my parents had some flaws when it came to building a wonderful relationship with me and my brothers.
        Now that I just had my first baby, I am very hopeful that I could teach him things (such as the right values and how to behave well) that a parent should.

        I know it is hard for parents to do everything for their children, but I think when the children get older, they should always give their support as long as it is for their children’s betterment.

        I agree, self-esteem is one of the most important things that a parent can ever give to their children. My mom has believed in me, in my abilities, and for that I thank her and cherish her very much. I may not be the best daughter for her, but for me, she is the best mom in the world :)

        Thanks for sharing with us a nice and interesting post, Debbie! Have a nice day!
        Johanna recently posted..The New iPhone 5My Profile

        • Debbie Bills says:

          Hi Johanna,

          Nice to have you stop in and share with us.

          Sounds like your child is very lucky to have a mother like you. Parents are not perfect and it is wonderful that you can see the things you feel your parents could have done better, so now you are changing how you deal and raise your own child.

          A parents should always support there children. When they become an adult, listen to them and be there if they need to be. Sounds to me like you are a pretty good daughter. Just remember as teens we all act in ways where we say, “What was I thinking?” Just let your mom know she is the greatest. I am sure she would love to hear it.

          Thanks again for sharing and blessings to you and yours.
          Debbie

  19. Ken Wert
    Twitter:
    says:

    Hi Debbie!

    Thanks for such a wonderfully informative article on raising children to love and accept themselves. It’s true that we are so quick to correct and scold and point out the mistakes and wrong turns our children make. My wife is especially good at simple corrections without it sounding or feeling like a correction. She doesn’t point out what was done or said wrong, but simply repeats the better way of doing or saying it and our son simply repeats it.

    For instance, the other day my 6 year old rambunctious boy screamed, “Give me my toy, Mom!” It wasn’t angry, just bossy. My wife simply smiled and said, “Can I please have my toy, Mommy?” in a pleasant tone. My son has been conditioned to know exactly what that means, and tried again using the tone and pleasantries my wife used. It’s a beautiful thing to watch. I’m taking notes. :)
    Ken Wert recently posted..Awaken Your Inner Superhero: how to become the best you in the universeMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Kien,

      Nice to see you around again. Hope the world is treating great.
      Sounds like your wife is a great mother. Thank you for sharing this. What she is doing is teaching the right way to say thing and making your son respectful.

      It takes 7 good things to say to a person to correct one wrong thing we have said to someone. Love the way she is teach your son a better way rather than telling him he is wrong.

      Thanks again for sharing and blessings to you and your family.
      Debbie

  20. Jo says:

    What a wonderful post, I truly hope I can raise my son to have good self esteem and self confidence and this article has really helped to guide me and give me guidelines on how to acheive this. He’s only 2 at the moment and a very self confident little boy, but I remeber being that way until I was about 7 or 8 and then my mother, in an argument, told me nobody liked me and my confidence was shattered. And I only just started to build it up again in my mid twenties.

    Would hate my son to miss out on aspirations and opportunities, as well as life in general due to lack of confidence.

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Jo,

      I am very glad to hear that you are working on your self confidence. It is amazing what a few little words can do to a child. I have know doubt that you are a great mother, keep up the good work. My mother unknowing always told me that I could not do anything right. She thought she was teaching me how to do things right. Like clean the house, do dishes, etc, but i grew up thinking what ever i did way wrong.
      Thank you for stopping by and sharing with me.
      Blessings to you,
      Debbie

  21. Felicia says:

    Hi Debbie,
    “When we have bad things happen (like a divorce) if we learn from it and are a better person for it, it is not a mistake. Life is a journey and if we take the positive road in all situations, instead of the negative road, we are on the right road.”
    I agree with you, when bad things happen to us, if we learn from it and it makes us become a better person, then it is not a mistake. Our traits and attitudes are molded from the society that influences us, and if we take everything in, may it be good or bad, we become who we are depending on how we handle each and every situation in our lives. Thanks for sharing!
    Felicia recently posted..EPT Sanremo: Main Event Final Table Set; Canadian Pro Leads Final 8My Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Hi Felicia,

      You say, ‘Our traits and attitudes are molded from the society that influences us,’ this is very true. The key here is to be who and what we are meant to be and not let an outside force mold us. thank you for sharing this and it sounds like you are making life a journey.

      thanks again for sharing and blessings to you, Felicia.
      Debbie

  22. Some great advice. As a teacher, I see so many parents influenced by other parents and by social pressure to behave in certain ways. Trying to break free of this must be very difficult.

    • Debbie Bills says:

      The social pressure can be tough. To me a person is not being true to themselves when they let others action and ideas control there own thoughts or actions. I find this very sad and it is not teaching your child or children to be who they are really meant to be.
      Thank you for sharing and bless your heart for being a teacher. This is a very important job.
      Blessings
      Debbie

  23. farouk says:

    great tips Debbie
    many parents don’t know how to deal with their children and as a result they raise unhappy ones
    your site is a great idea
    farouk recently posted..body language, The ‘I am in deep trouble’ gestureMy Profile

    • Debbie Bills says:

      Thank You Farouk for the incouragement. I do appreciate it. Hope i can really help parents with there children. “Children are the future, so it is very important as a parent we get it right.
      Thanks for sharing
      Debbie

  24. HMiMouCh says:

    Wonderful post Debbie!

  25. Birth order has a powerful impact upon children’s behavior, their emotions and their personality development. Freud said that birth order is the most important piece of information that you can have about an individual. Why? By the accident of birth, each child has a unique spot in the family with specific emotional experiences that shape the child. These experiences are comprised of positive elements and many challenges. It is crucial that parents become aware of these birth order issues so they can help their children to grow up feeling equally loved and self-confident.
    Reinaldo Klein recently posted..No last blog posts to return.My Profile

  26. Some parents show their children how much they love and value them by working hard and providing for their families. This is a wonderful thing to do, but children don’t always realize that it is for them. The most precious item that you can ever give your kids is your time. That includes reading books aloud with them, or in the case of younger children, having them read their favorite stories to you. It also includes sharing your stories and adventures with them. You can talk to them about what mommy and daddy were like when you first met, or what you did when when you were a child. Stepping away from work every night and having dinner with your family shows how much you value them. Simply showing up for a school play, every once in a while, is also great. When your child gets older, they will value the experiences they had with you more than the memory of the latest and greatest toy they had. Be physical with your children. Hold your children, touch them, kiss them. When your children know that they are loved by you, then they will learn to love themselves. That includes learning to feel good about themselves, to feel attractive, and to lived confident happy lives.
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  27. Hank Luna says:

    Many parents do a great job when it comes to the essentials of parenthood. They make boo-boos better with kisses, keep nighttime’s scary monsters at bay, and cheer on their children’s sporting and academic accomplishments. But to raise truly healthy and happy children, you must do more.
    Hank Luna recently posted..No last blog posts to return.My Profile

  28. Get Smart says:

    Many parents focus attention on their children’s grades and extracurricular activities, such as by making sure kids study, do their homework, and get to soccer practice or dance lessons prepared and on time. But all too often, we forget to put time and effort into nurturing another component of child success and development — one that is just as important, and perhaps even more essential, than good grades, awards, and trophies — being a good person.
    Get Smart recently posted..No last blog posts to return.My Profile

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