Secret to Happiness: Coping with Criticism Part 12

COPING WITH CRITICISM           

One of the areas that people with low self-esteem have greatest difficulty with is criticism – giving as well as receiving it. Both can be extraordinarily difficult. In fact some individuals are absolutely demolished by criticism, but it’s something we cannot avoid.   If we honestly want to find happiness within, learning to deal with criticism is a most.

Now, criticism is often unfair – and when it is we need to counter it by putting our own case succinctly and calmly. But some criticism is justified – and when we’re sensible we can learn from it.

Often when we’re criticized, we’re so hurt that we start excusing ourselves and rebutting what’s being said without really listening to it.

A mature, self-possessed person listens to criticism without interrupting. If there are aspects to the criticism that are valid, just begins by agreeing with those points. If you’re unsure what’s being said, ask for clarification. If indeed you are wrong, say so and apologize. But if you disagree with the criticism, smile and says: ‘I’m afraid I don’t agree with you.’  “It seems we definitely have a different opinion about this.”

Now, it takes quite a lot of practice to feel and act this cool. So let’s go through it again. When someone criticizes you:

• listen – don’t interrupt or start excusing yourself

• agree – where possible

• ask for clarification

• when you’re wrong, admit it and apologize

• if criticism is wrong or unfair say: ‘I’m afraid that I don’t agree with you’

Now, let’s look at giving criticism, because people with poor-self esteem often find it harder to dish out criticism than receive it. In fact many adults actually avoid promotion because they can’t face the prospect of being in authority and having to criticize others.

So, how can you learn to criticize when you have to?

First of all, keep calm. Second, try to make your criticism at an appropriate time, rather than waiting till you’re so fed up that you’re furiously angry – when you’ll be bound to make a mess of it.

Take some deep breaths when you know you’ve got to criticize someone. Then try a technique called the ‘criticism sandwich’. This means that you say something nice to the person you’re criticizing, then you insert the criticism, then you end with something else that nice or positive or flatter.

You might notice that people, who are good and fair when they criticize, tend to use the word ‘I’ rather than the word ‘you’. This is because the word ‘I’ shows you’re in control and that you’ve thought about what you’re saying.

All too frequently when we’re out of control we don’t say anything initially, which is when we should address the problem. Instead we bottle it up till we explode. Then we use the words ‘you’, ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ all the time. We say: ‘You’re lazy.’ Or ‘You make me sick.’

These kinds of phrases sound very angry and accusatory. They also show that we’re not in control. And after uttering them we generally feel worse about ourselves and our self-esteem plummets even more.

So just to recap, when criticizing:

• use the word ‘I’, not the word ‘you’

• keep calm and do some deep breathing

• use the ‘criticism sandwich’ technique

• always try to criticize a person’s behavior rather than the person

These tips are just as handy when it comes to standing up for yourself in other situations. And they’re very useful when you want to be able to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty. Just keep calm and use the word ‘I’.

Say: ‘I won’t be coming to that party with you.’ Or: Or; ‘I can’t work late tonight, I’m sorry. But if necessary I’ll happily stay tomorrow.’  And never, ever apologize for saying no.  It’s your right – exercise it.

People with poor self-esteem are always getting talked into doing things that they don’t want to do. Does this sound like you? If so, it must stop if you want to value yourself more. So learning how to stay calm and just say ‘no’ is very important.

Now that we’ve looked at different ways you can combat low self-esteem, the next section is a quick start guide.  It’s packed with tips on how to start raising your self-esteem – right now!

I think you are going to really enjoy this.  It does not take a life time to rebuild your self-esteem.  Trust me I have been there.  My mother had low self-esteem and she didn’t even realize she was producing it with her children. She just thought she was teaching us and protecting her children.

That is why I cannot stress good self-esteem enough.  If you don’t have it get it, so your children don’t have to pay the price for not having good self-esteem.  They will love you deeply for that gift.  It will instill happiness within for them there whole life.

Please add any comment you may have on this part.  I can take the criticism, if there is any.

Thank you,

Debbie Dee